One of the classes I'm taking is Assertiveness Training. I've discovered that I'm ridiculously, self-sabotagingly passive in weird ways that I couldn't name before. It's been on my mind a lot lately, so last night on Twitter and Facebook I posted a revelation: "I am not ugly. I am not inept. I am a woman with viable talent and interests who will take this world by storm, by Jove!" and the response was very interesting.
I had a handful of people think I had actually been told these things by someone, several "likes," "favorites" and "retweets" and messages from friends thanking me for posting it. I have a tendency to think I am a sham, that when people realize that I'm actually an idiot they're going to stop caring. I work extra hard to hide that I'm incredibly insecure, I'll check spelling and etymology before using words and at work I've found that I push myself very hard so that my supervisors won't suddenly realize that I am not qualified to even walk through the doors of the business. I finally took a break today, my first one all week. I don't want anyone to see me sitting and not working in case they don't realize I'm on a break and think I'm slacking off.
Apparently this is extreme passivity.
Last night I shared all of this with my boyfriend and it felt like I finally was able to grasp a solid reason for why I do things they way I do. It's been frustratingly like one of those dreams where you can see the silhouettes but can't focus on what things are, and now I have a name for my behavior. With a clear idea of what causes my responses I can begin to work on moving past my passivity, start taking credit for the things I'm good at instead of shrugging them off and learn how to be comfortable with my abilities.
I am tired of being my own harshest critic. I will no longer be a victim of my passive nature and I am going to work hard to see myself as I really am, a woman of action.