Friday, August 31, 2012

I Lava When It All Makes Sense

Three weeks ago my schedule dramatically changed.  I went from being under-employed (but working three jobs, strangely enough...) to working full time, as well as beginning my first semester back in school in three years.  Basically, my brain's been in a tailspin for the past few weeks.

One of the classes I'm taking is Assertiveness Training.  I've discovered that I'm ridiculously, self-sabotagingly passive in weird ways that I couldn't name before.  It's been on my mind a lot lately, so last night on Twitter and Facebook I posted a revelation: "I am not ugly. I am not inept. I am a woman with viable talent and interests who will take this world by storm, by Jove!" and the response was very interesting.  

I had a handful of people think I had actually been told these things by someone, several "likes," "favorites" and "retweets" and messages from friends thanking me for posting it.  I have a tendency to think I am a sham, that when people realize that I'm actually an idiot they're going to stop caring.  I work extra hard to hide that I'm incredibly insecure, I'll check spelling and etymology before using words and at work I've found that I push myself very hard so that my supervisors won't suddenly realize that I am not qualified to even walk through the doors of the business.  I finally took a break today, my first one all week.  I don't want anyone to see me sitting and not working in case they don't realize I'm on a break and think I'm slacking off.

Apparently this is extreme passivity.  

Last night I shared all of this with my boyfriend and it felt like I finally was able to grasp a solid reason for why I do things they way I do.  It's been frustratingly like one of those dreams where you can see the silhouettes but can't focus on what things are, and now I have a name for my behavior.  With a clear idea of what causes my responses I can begin to work on moving past my passivity, start taking credit for the things I'm good at instead of shrugging them off and learn how to be comfortable with my abilities.  

I am tired of being my own harshest critic. I will no longer be a victim of my passive nature and I am going to work hard to see myself as I really am, a woman of action.


  1. Wow, that sounds like a good class. And maybe one that I should take!

  2. Oh, I think you'd be surprised at how common this affliction actually is. We all suffer from it to varying degrees (well, most of us). What's interesting, is that this condition is also the result of a bit of self absorption. People (like me) tend to obsessively check their spelling, syntax, or "etymology" because we die at the thought of being judged due to the use of a misspelled or misused word. We feel this way because, like it or not, we tend to JUDGE OTHERS in the same way, and, we cannot imagine others not being as harsh or similarly wired. It's unfathomable. And yet, isn't it the height of ego to assume the rest of the world thinks as we do? That's the wicked combo of such a mindset...the passive/inferiority complex combined with a raging ego-centrism. Having lived with this mindset and having let go of it little by little over the years, I can honestly say it's ok to go ahead and slack off once in a while. We all need the mental time out it can afford, and, surprisingly enough, within reason, your peers won't notice or really care, because they're slacking off too.