So, it's not actually new. Just a change in status, that's it.
As of yesterday I'm officially divorced.
That's right, twice before thirty.
It's a bit ridiculous, I'm a little embarrassed by it, but I kinda also love that everyone in my family makes "So, do you think you'll finally be happy with husband number seven?" jokes- I'm the Elizabeth Taylor of our Sunday barbeques at Grandma's, what can I say?
I used to bounce back really quickly- one relationship done and another starting without as much as a hiccup (or a moaning of the wrong name) to indicate that the transition was less than seamless. I've been trying to bounce back into things but discovering that I'm not the same as I was at 22, 23, 24... I get scared, I flip out, I hold onto grudges and I get hurt easily. Where did that come from?
I have this terrifying one-that-got-away complex that fights with an equally harrowing need to find out if there is just someone better suited for me. So I get hot and heavy and then cold and distant.
Oh, and commitment is the only thing I want until it isn't and I suddenly can't breathe under the weight of it.
Basically, I am fucked up.
I'm okay with that. Because I've been a relationship junkie I've never played the single card. This year I have and I've totally gotten a full single girl experience, right down to the nitty gritty of feeling like shit for not feeling the same way.
But I've never really been alone. Even in my single state I've still managed to find company so that I don't have to be alone with myself. I'm tired of it. I'm pretty sure that as counter-intuitive as it may feel I need some solid time without dating, making out, flirting or anything else. My confidence is coming back, how amazing would it be if I could just appreciate that without the insecurity of wondering if someone else appreciates me?
So I'm taking a few months. You all laugh- don't try to act like you aren't- Mom, I can hear you all the way across town cackling at this notion. But seriously, it is time. And really, I totally love spending time with my friends more than anything on earth anyway. Why distract myself from playing Cornhole on the Swiggs patio ever?
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