LAVA and how to apply it to everything else. Or; Resolutions. Part 2.

2012 

I have only one real resolution:

The be the best Burly I ever have been.

This means taking action on a few things that have been holding me back that I've noticed this year but haven't been ready to tackle.

Be Kinder.  I started joking that I eat kind so that I don't have to act kind.  And then I started acting that way. And that's fucked up.  If the sorting hat were to put me in a house right now I'm pretty sure it would really consider Slytherin.  I'm clearly a Hufflepuff, as embarrassing as that is to admit out loud. 2011 saw me treating some people with less respect than they deserved (while I treated others with more than necessary.) and while it's fun to be cruel it's a little incongruous with the vegan friendly kind kind nice nice lifestyle I'm trying to establish.  Less shit talking, more honesty.

Organize Myself. Now I'm not saying have a clean house because, well, that'll never happen.  I am hoping to get things in my life in order so that I will feel more able to jump into a project when I don't have to weed through the clutter to get to it.  I want to plan in writing, knitting&crocheting, creativity and tapping time into my weekly schedule this year.

Become Comfortable With Myself. This one is tricky.  I like me.  I really do.  But am I comfortable with myself?  No, not really.  Especially when I start thinking about how I act with and react to other people.  This especially applies to dating, sex, relationships, what the fuck ever I end up in.  I've ricocheted from situation to situation this year in a frantic attempt to feel some self worth based on a screwed up scale that had me believing that my only use to people was my sex- whether that just meant as someone pretty to have around, a makeout buddy, someone to talk dirty to or, well, sex itself.  Why else would anyone want to be around me if they weren't angling for that anyway? 

Obviously this is a skewed view of my worth (or maybe not, but I choose to believe I have more value than just walking sex organs) but after the heavy and repeated rejection I was given all spring and summer I was left feeling that I'd never find someone who would make me feel whole.  Fate cruelly gave me someone emotionally unavailable as a soul mate, and if I couldn't convince him that I was his perfect other then I'd have to settle for the rest of my life for uninspired romance with people who would never really click into place.  I treated wonderful people terribly, gave attention to less than wonderful people and well, mix that with some pretty shitty past experiences that go way back and it makes for a terrible cocktail of guilt, worthlessness, unhappiness, desire to please without any hope for reciprocation and depression.

So this year I'm taking a break from sex. 

Not all year.  Just until I can get my head on straight and remove the negative charge from something that should be fulfilling and wonderful.  I'm setting a goal date of Hanson Day, but I'm also reserving the right to not have sex all year if I'm still not right where I want to be. 

Why is this necessary to put up in so public a forum as a blog that nobody reads?

Because a fair amount* of the men I've met in 2011 seem to think that I actually like it when they say things about how they're going to please me.  You know what would please me?  Not having been assaulted by a friend I trusted, rejected by someone I loved except during bouts of drunken loneliness where sex was the only way I could come close to feeling my love reciprocated, reduced to a vagina by men in bars who assume that that's my only function and made to feel like a whore for having low self esteem to the point of panic at the thought of not being loved.  Yeah, I think that just might be orgasmic.

It's up because it has to be said.  It's up because maybe some poor sap who actually reads my blogs (I'm sorry) might identify and might gain some strength from knowing she or he isn't alone in feeling trapped by sex. 

It's up because when some jackass doesn't get it I'll have something to direct them to.  I might even make a business card with this blog address on it. 

I might lose some friends.  You know, because without the potential of benefits what good would I be, right?  I hope that I'm not proven right on this, but I'm not ruling it out as impossible.  It's sad that I feel the need to "reserve the right not to have sex" at all.  But the rules have changed, dating closer to 30 isn't as fun as dating  seemed in my early 20's.  Everyone who is single is shouldering some burden from a past run in with love, or lack thereof.  Even amazing people have baggage that might be holding them back from commitment, trust and honesty.  I know I'm certainly scared to death of a real relationship.  And that's why I'm not having sex.

So there it is.  2012.  I'm going to emerge from the wreck of 2011 better than ever, its not even an option not to.

2011 Wrap Up- Part 1

*Not everyone I've met is like this.  Actually a lot of really amazing people have been treated like shit by me because I have   a terrible way of rewarding kindness with the cold-shoulder. You know who you are.