How to Lava Lava Lava Life.

 

Aside from a few misspelled words (Recepticle? PUH-lease Starbucks-scribbling-girlfriend, let's try and get that one straight!)I think I have been able to get to the meat of the matter, which is a code I can live by and that I have to live up to. 

And I think I was mostly serious, except the whole "yes your majesty" business.  People already say that pretty regularly.

How are you able to keep on track with being the person you think you should be?

I Lava the Beach Boys

I know that I make it seem like Hanson is my number one favorite band ever.  The tattoo would certainly lead one to that conclusion, but like everyone else on Earth I spent my childhood listening to the music my parents liked.  That music happened to be The Beach Boys.

I didn't actually know there was any other music out there until I was in 7th grade or so.  Hear me out o this.  Certainly I'd heard of NKOTB and all of that good stuff, but I just assumed anything that wasn't on the records my dad had was just a Beach Boys side project spin off that was a miserable departure from their usual sound.  Rap?  Must be some wacky Brian Wilson experiement.  Opera?  Heck, Carl can get his voice kinda high. 

The Beach Boys were my kings.

I also thought Mike Love was a Care Bear, but that's a whole other path of neurotic thinking that we probably don't need to go down.

I had dance routines worked out to Shut Down and Be True to Your School.  In college I wore a button with Brian Wilson's face on it everywhere I went.  I've slugged through disappointing fair performances by the different warring factions of the Beach Boys as they toured around with whatever dregs of spirit they've had left.  (Mike Love gasped mid-set at the Pomona fair concert I went to that if he'd known in the sixties they'd still be touring in 2002 they would have written a lot fewer fast sings.) The love still remains.

Some times all I need to get my head on straight is to pull out my favorite songs and sing them loudly.  I've already blogged about this with the Beach Boys and how they're kind of my glue. 

So I leave you all with these songs, a few of my favorites.

I Lava Fresh Starts

So, it's not actually new.  Just a change in status, that's it.

As of yesterday I'm officially divorced.

That's right, twice before thirty.

It's a bit ridiculous, I'm a little embarrassed by it, but I kinda also love that everyone in my family makes "So, do you think you'll finally be happy with husband number seven?" jokes- I'm the Elizabeth Taylor of our Sunday barbeques at Grandma's, what can I say?

I used to bounce back really quickly- one relationship done and another starting without as much as a hiccup (or a moaning of the wrong name) to indicate that the transition was less than seamless.  I've been trying to bounce back into things but discovering that I'm not the same as I was at 22, 23, 24... I get scared, I flip out, I hold onto grudges and I get hurt easily.  Where did that come from?

I have this terrifying one-that-got-away complex that fights with an equally harrowing need to find out if there is just someone better suited for me.  So I get hot and heavy and then cold and distant.

Oh, and commitment is the only thing I want until it isn't and I suddenly can't breathe under the weight of it.

Basically, I am fucked up.

I'm okay with that.  Because I've been a relationship junkie I've never played the single card.  This year I have and I've totally gotten a full single girl experience, right down to the nitty gritty of feeling like shit for not feeling the same way.

But I've never really been alone.  Even in my single state I've still managed to find company so that I don't have to be alone with myself.  I'm tired of it.  I'm pretty sure that as counter-intuitive as it may feel I need some solid time without dating, making out, flirting or anything else.  My confidence is coming back, how amazing would it be if I could just appreciate that without the insecurity of wondering if someone else appreciates me?

So I'm taking a few months.  You all laugh- don't try to act like you aren't- Mom, I can hear you all the way across town cackling at this notion.  But seriously, it is time.  And really, I totally love spending time with my friends more than anything on earth anyway.  Why distract myself from playing Cornhole on the Swiggs patio ever?

“My primary relationship is with myself - all others are mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation that I desire from others. If I am committed to myself and to living my truth, I will attract others with equal commitment.”

Shakti Gawain, Reflections in the Light