I Lava, Therefore I Am.

"Bye Mommy's house!  Momma-a goingto Daddy's house?"

"Yes, we're going to Daddy's house."

It was a hard pill to swallow today when I pulled up and saw that my daffodils I planted last year have all sprouted up right on time.  The crocuses are open.  All of them.  The tulips should be pushing through about now, too. 

I'm glad that "Mommy's house" has camellias blooming out front right now or Spring might as well never be on the way.  I love camellias.


It's been so easy for Cary and Mollie to accept two households, and even though I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my new space, coming back to Daddy's house daily and seeing that it isn't mine anymore- things that were in the same place for years have been moved, there's meat in the freezer and the most telling sign:  things are clean- drives it home that I don't have a home.  It's becoming more like home every day, last night I had the soupstravaganza which helped a lot.  I apparently get weird anxieties about things and I was freaking out about when I would cook for the first time and if I would burn whatever it was because I'm used to cooking on my Doug's burners.  Talk about a week of nothing but yogurt and apples.

Sometimes it feels like nothing is working out, like I've used all of my things-fall-into-place points up already.  I'm not even 28 yet.  (Okay, but really, I almost am.  Can't I just say 28 already so I can freak out about being 28 instead of 18?) What I actually am is just a few marriages more sheepish than I ever thought I'd be.  What am I good at?  I'm really good at failure.

See, things don't work out. Nothing is permanent.  I thought it would be funny to tattoo that on my forearm, but even irony can get tiresome after awhile.

My inner optimist keeps peeking out but its hard with all of my newfound insecurities hanging over my head.  2010 was a year of irritatingly high self-assuredness, oh boy oh boy was I smug.   2011 is helping me find facial hairs I never knew about and personality defects that I don't know if I have the energy to mask anymore.

Do my kids really prefer their father?  Where is my identity nowadays since I haven't been on the derby track in months and sometimes I feel that if I'm not skating or blogging I have no worth.  Is that a legitimate muffin top or is that just my skin being really fat? How am I redeeming my soul, do I even think its worth redeeming since God and I have had a messier split than Doug and I?

Am I really starting to end my sentences with prepositions? I don't even know where that leaves me at.

However, faltering optimism and all I do have a lot of lava in me and I think the key to keeping afloat is identifying it, putting my lava out there and seeing what the universe decides to return to me.

Viva la LAVAblog!