Look, I'm hardly a confident girl anymore.
Really, I'm just so insecure 97% of the time. If I have worth, I'll never recognize it during those times.
I'm combating that by putting up reminders everywhere.
My bathroom mirror reads "You are not ugly or fat. You are strong, beautiful and able to take ANYTHING."
And it's an important reminder, it's the first thing I see after I step off the scale and write my weight onto my whiteboard. Which serves as a negative reminder for now, but hopefully will become positive as I get back to a place where I can handle taking on a regular workout routine again.
In my filofax I have something my roommate said to me written down. He probably doesn't even remember saying it.
"Maybe if you weren't so nice and pretty the world wouldn't need to be held up by you all the time."
It stuck with me, maybe because it was a little more personal than "Come home, bring wine" (and in reality he did follow that up with "maybe you should smear yourself with shit and spray yourself with skunk scent, that might help."- it wasn't all poignant insight.) but I think there's a lot of truth to it. I do feel to some degree that if I'm not a pillar of strength or love or caring or whatever it is that I am the world will crumble around me. I also tie a lot of my worth into how I look, and as a direct result I feel like there are some people who only think I'm great because I'm able to fool them all with my big blue eyes all made up in pinks and gold.
I wrote it down not to try to be that thing that keeps the world on its axis but as a reminder that I actively need to just let things be and take their course. I don't have to fix everything, and more importantly, I can't fix everything. Some things are like trying to use one of Cary's Handy Manny tools to try and build a house.
I feel like reminding myself constantly of what I want to be, or need to be is going to be the most surefire way of getting my confidence back and reaching my goals should I choose to set any other than Breathe in. Exhale. Repeat.
poster your walls with post-it reminders if you have to, who cares? they are the truth. remember that there are so many people that love and care about you. when those negative thoughts enter your head, they aren't just talking to you, they are talking to us too. (we just can't hear them)
ReplyDeletei love you burly. and i'm well aware of those voices, lately i'm just learning to argue with them.
p.s. if you need any post-it's i got tons
I love you, Karma. <3
ReplyDeleteI remember when I first met you, I was struck by how effortlessly lovely you are. Admittedly, I drew a few erroneous conclusions based on that fact alone.
ReplyDeleteGetting to know you unveiled a wholly different and more lasting beauty, as well, and I've often boggled--by which I mean I've honestly sat confounded for a minute while I mulled it over--at how you manage to have so much, do so much, and be so much. I get a little exhausted just *reading* about all the brightness you usher into the world.
We all have our hindrances, both internal and external, but if history is any indicator you're a woman who can't be stopped; not by circumstance, not by disaster, not by tanks. Getting hung up on something may divert you for a brief time, but history shows that you rally back with overwhelming force. In all earnestness, you've been an inspiration to me since I met you, and it's important to me that you know this.
Remember this. Frickin' tanks.