I Lava Reminders

 

Look, I'm hardly a confident girl anymore. 

Really, I'm just so insecure 97% of the time.  If I have worth, I'll never recognize it during those times.

I'm combating that by putting up reminders everywhere.  

My bathroom mirror reads "You are not ugly or fat.  You are strong, beautiful and able to take ANYTHING."

And it's an important reminder, it's the first thing I see after I step off the scale and write my weight onto my whiteboard.  Which serves as a negative reminder for now, but hopefully will become positive as I get back to a place where I can handle taking on a regular workout routine again.

In my filofax I have something my roommate said to me written down.  He probably doesn't even remember saying it.  

"Maybe if you weren't so nice and pretty the world wouldn't need to be held up by you all the time."

It stuck with me, maybe because it was a little more personal than "Come home, bring wine" (and in reality he did follow that up with "maybe you should smear yourself with shit and spray yourself with skunk scent, that might help."- it wasn't all poignant insight.) but I think there's a lot of truth to it.  I do feel to some degree that if I'm not a pillar of strength or love or caring or whatever it is that I am the world will crumble around me.  I also tie a lot of my worth into how I look, and as a direct result I feel like there are some people who only think I'm great because I'm able to fool them all with my big blue eyes all made up in pinks and gold.  

I wrote it down not to try to be that thing that keeps the world on its axis but as a reminder that I actively need to just let things be and take their course.  I don't have to fix everything, and more importantly, I can't fix everything.  Some things are like trying to use one of Cary's Handy Manny tools to try and build a house. 

I feel like reminding myself constantly of what I want to be, or need to be is going to be the most surefire way of getting my confidence back and reaching my goals should I choose to set any other than Breathe in.  Exhale. Repeat.

I Lava WIWT: Fulton 55 Edition

 Also known as It's my party and I'll Bieb if I want to.

Yesterday was my birthday.  Headed to Fulton 55 with the best friends money can buy a girl could get naturally and by no means of bribery whatsoever.  It was the Motel Drive show, duh!  Their last show I showed up to and left after a few songs because I was held tightly in the icy-cold grasp of the bug that would not go away.  I am pretty sure I coughed phlegm on this nice boy who I led me through some awkward dance moves. (I can't actually dance other than interpretive karaoke at The Brig.)  So in other words, I was ready to rock(abilly) my ass into 28.

We started at the Iron Bird Cafe and I had a Cosmopolitan.  Lavender in my coffee served in a martini glass. It's a dream come true.  And Patrick Contreras was playing, BONUS.  And Cho got us Dusty Buns Bistro.  Um, can you say Fresnorgasm?  This was just the pregame.  The tailgate party, if you will.  

 

 Fulton 55 is this great venue right across from Iron Bird.  I like their bathrooms.  Don't expect any other review of the place.  This is a What I Wore Today post, it's entirely about me.

Cho is the best dance partner.

And Burg partner

What I Wore:

Skull Anchor Rock Steady Sailor Dress
Xhilaration Sequined Cardigan
Those special leggings I love so dearly
I need new shoes.  I wear these Jacqueline Ferrar shoes everywhere.  Some day they'll fall apart.

Justin Bieber feather hair clip made by Cho
Flower clip made by me
Veggie Burger made by Denny's

Makeup

Eyes:
Urban Decay Eye Shadow Primer Potion
UD Fishnet, Ransom, Honey, Peace and Shag, with a little of my what the hell is this pink color I own, will it turn my eyes to stone?
Cargo HD Mascara

Face:
Make Up For Ever primer
Cover Girl Mineral shit
Some other translucent finisher.  I don't know.  I just put it on.  What the fuck ever.

Lips:
Urban Decay Revolution
Cargo Reverse Lip Liner
LORAC Multiplex 3D lipgloss

I Lava Birthdays.

(Cake made by my AMAZING friend Yesenia.  How did I get so lucky to have friends like this?)

 I Lava Birthdays.

I do.  I worked all night last night doing inventory at JCPenneys and I could FEEL myself turn 28.  I looked over to my friend Rob and said "Is it midnight yet?" and he checked his phone and BAM 12:00 on the nose.  I can sense a day that is all about me.

So I had a burrito as soon as I was off work, at 3:30 AM.  Who was gonna say no?  It's my birthday, gimme a Chile Relleno Burrito, bitch!

28 is a weird one for me.  I have never imagined life after 28.  Whenever I create ridiculous scenarios in my mind of things that are fabulous that I want to have happen I've always imagined them happening at 28.  Brian Wilson and Tim Lincecum fighting over me?  28.  Finding out the Weasley Twins are REAL and both still alive (that liar, JK Rowling!) and wanting to manhandle me? 28.  (They were 28 too, I adjusted their ages... I'm not that much of a creep) Writing a book that is just as crappy as Twilight and makes it bigger than Twilight?  28.  Every daydream took place here because it felt like a good number.  One where I'd have my shit sorted out enough to handle all of the good things the universe wanted to throw my way. 

I have a lot of expectations for this year of my life.


And even though I have nothing settled, I'm getting to a place where I want to be.  Hard decisions are still coming up, I can feel them welling up in my eyes every time I think about them, but I know I can do what I have to do to make my world a better place for me.  And when I'm happy I can be a better friend, daughter, mother.

So where does 28 begin?  Last night one of the first things I handled in this new era was a $9,999.99 tahitian pearl necklace while doing inventory.  First I said "damn", as did my inventory buddy Alton. And then I said "I can buy a lot of ice cream with that much money."  And I think that accurately descibes where I start.

Simple.  Cutting back, scaling down.  Identifying the things that matter and making them huge, cutting out the things that are tertiary.  More time with my kids, less TV.  More friends, less facebook.  More makeup.  More makeup.  More makeup.  Seeing myself in a positive light because I am a positive girl, stop stooping and rounding my shoulders and feeling just so sad.   More love, less commitment.  I'm being honest here.  More singing.  More singing.  More singing. Loudly. 

28 is going to be a beautiful thing, I'm going to have a pie fight.  I'm going to New Orleans. I'm going to learn burlesque.  I'm going to read and read and read. (On my new Kindle!  Thanks, Mom!)  I'll learn to knit so I can bistitchual.  I'm going to find utter and absolute joy whenever I can, and if I find myself miserable I'm going to force some joy by singing Ke$ha and watching everyone grimace. 

More Ke$ha.  Okay, not that much more Ke$ha.

I may not write the next big shitty teen-romance series but I am going to schedule in time to write every week. In my new Filofax, which is at my side at every step.  Because 28 is getting down to fuckin' business.

I'm going to protect my heart by staying friends with Doug, not getting upset over every little thing and completely baffling everyone and their expectations of how a divorce should go.  Just because you can't live with someone anymore doesn't mean you ever stop loving them on some basic level.  He's the father of the two most beautiful people on earth and I will always love him for that.  Nobody could father them better.

Here we go 28, I Lava you already.  Let's make some magic.

And I end this with Hanson's gift to me... the Give a Little video.  LAVA TO THE MAX.

I Lava WIWT- Sunshiny Day Edition

 It is a gorgeous day today so i figured I'd grab a coupla snaps of my outfit while the kids played with rocks. yes, rocks. 

 Loitering at my Mom and Dad's house while they're outta town. 

 

In between is where I fit best right now anyway.

Dress:  Made by my mom because she is amazing.

Cardigan: Old Navy

Tights: Worthington, clearance.  Part of my uniform.

Shoes: Mossimo and cheap as heck

Sunglasses: 5 bucks from a street vendor in Las Vegas.

Makeup: 

The usual suspects.  Of course. Limecrime Circus Girl, Cargo HD mascara, nondescript pink color, Lorac multiplex 3D.

I Lava Dusty Springfield.

Because I'd be a damn fool not to.

I Lava WIWT- Karaoke Night Version

 Inspiration: Girl Scouts button down shirt. 

 

Maybe a misguided troop leader, maybe a secretary who just can't get over the fact that each thin mint is only 38 tasty calories, which justifies the whole box- my outfit for the Brig meant business. 

Girl Scouts Shirt: Stolen from Aurora

Suit: Jones New York, also stolen from Aurora, who thrifted it.

Legs: Shredded hose with the backseams

Shoes: Jacqueline Ferrar

Makeup:

Eyes: Stila It Girl trio

Blue Ray HD mascara

Lips: Manic Panic Vampire

Lorac Multiplex  Vivid

Manic Panic liner

I Lava Little Voices.

I'll never get tired of her sweet little voice.  MamaLAVA for sure.

I Lava WIWT- Smog Cutting Gas Station at Twilight Edition.

I managed to find myself dancing in the lap of luxury this weekend when a shop-accident-handful of my friends and I ran to LA. 

Friday was all about karaoke in a dive even divier than The Brig.  It required a special ensemble.

 1. It had to move with me.  Karaoke is serious business, one cannot go into it without stretchy fabrics that breathe.

 

2. I'm definitely in a Ke$ha phase of my life right now so it had to be just hoe-with-tons-of-STDs enough to allow me to act crude and crass.  I'm still a prude deep down under all the layers of skank, so it also had to be pretty much full coverage.

 

3. The makeup had to be fun and cray-cray to keep up with the beers that just magically appeared in my hand all night.  Thanks, Chuck!

Dress: B-Wear, red

Tights: Worthington clearance, black with gold flecks

Boots: Airwalks, originally intended for my White Mage final fantasy getup.

Clip: handmade by my crafty ass.

Makeup: 

Lips: Manic Panic in Vampire

 Cargo Tobago gloss

Eyes: Lime Crime in Circus Girl

Torrid Pink

Cargo HD mascara

Saturday night was the Pollstar Awards, hosted by that guy from Singled Out, so the outfit needed a touch of class.

 Again with the Ke$ha, I channeled My First Kiss and gold lipped my way around downtown LA.*

 A little shoulder skin was important to me as skulls and bunny rabbits.

The important thing about this outfit is that I didn't mean for it to happen.  The dress was found at this mega thrift store that Aurora took me too earlier in the day, the sweater was something Aurora had in a bag to be taken to Goodwill.  The tights are my trademark black with gold flecked.  I brought two pairs with me on this trip- good thing too.  It all came together and then I abandoned the dress I had planned and went for the gold.  I was my own damn award.

Later in the night, Laziness prevailed and I switched from gold lips to pink.

Dress: Express- thrifted for $5.99

Sweater: No clue, but it's BAD ASS. Swiped from Aurora

Tights: Worthington.  Clearance.  I have 5 pairs.  Well, 4 now.

Shoes: Jacqueline Ferrar

Makeup:

Eyes: Lime Crime in Circus Girl

Torrid Pink

Stila in Lamé and Kitten

Cargo HD Mascara

Lips: 

Gold: Lime Crime Diva eyeshadown applied over Cargo in Tobago

Lorac Multiplex gloss in 3D over it.

Pink: Straight up Lorac Multiplex in Vivid.

I just got the Lorac glosses.  New LAVA!  My lips were still sparkly the next day!  OMFG.

LA, do you miss me?


*Not downtown.  Just a gas station before we got to downtown.  Holla!

I Lava, Therefore I Am.

"Bye Mommy's house!  Momma-a goingto Daddy's house?"

"Yes, we're going to Daddy's house."

It was a hard pill to swallow today when I pulled up and saw that my daffodils I planted last year have all sprouted up right on time.  The crocuses are open.  All of them.  The tulips should be pushing through about now, too. 

I'm glad that "Mommy's house" has camellias blooming out front right now or Spring might as well never be on the way.  I love camellias.


It's been so easy for Cary and Mollie to accept two households, and even though I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my new space, coming back to Daddy's house daily and seeing that it isn't mine anymore- things that were in the same place for years have been moved, there's meat in the freezer and the most telling sign:  things are clean- drives it home that I don't have a home.  It's becoming more like home every day, last night I had the soupstravaganza which helped a lot.  I apparently get weird anxieties about things and I was freaking out about when I would cook for the first time and if I would burn whatever it was because I'm used to cooking on my Doug's burners.  Talk about a week of nothing but yogurt and apples.

Sometimes it feels like nothing is working out, like I've used all of my things-fall-into-place points up already.  I'm not even 28 yet.  (Okay, but really, I almost am.  Can't I just say 28 already so I can freak out about being 28 instead of 18?) What I actually am is just a few marriages more sheepish than I ever thought I'd be.  What am I good at?  I'm really good at failure.

See, things don't work out. Nothing is permanent.  I thought it would be funny to tattoo that on my forearm, but even irony can get tiresome after awhile.

My inner optimist keeps peeking out but its hard with all of my newfound insecurities hanging over my head.  2010 was a year of irritatingly high self-assuredness, oh boy oh boy was I smug.   2011 is helping me find facial hairs I never knew about and personality defects that I don't know if I have the energy to mask anymore.

Do my kids really prefer their father?  Where is my identity nowadays since I haven't been on the derby track in months and sometimes I feel that if I'm not skating or blogging I have no worth.  Is that a legitimate muffin top or is that just my skin being really fat? How am I redeeming my soul, do I even think its worth redeeming since God and I have had a messier split than Doug and I?

Am I really starting to end my sentences with prepositions? I don't even know where that leaves me at.

However, faltering optimism and all I do have a lot of lava in me and I think the key to keeping afloat is identifying it, putting my lava out there and seeing what the universe decides to return to me.

Viva la LAVAblog!

I Lava Homemade Soup.

Tonight was a soup night.

The roommate is sick.  You know how boys do... they get all end of the world, probably gonna die soon when they get a cold.  So soup it was.  (Actually, he looks pretty bad.  I shouldn't kid, maybe its SARS.) 

I haven't made soup in a while so to make up for lost time tonight I made two kinds- Aurora's Chicken Noodle Masturpiece for the meat eating male and some Minestrone for my veg-head needs.

It felt good.  I had his daughter as my helper and we sniffed and sampled our way through the whole list of ingredients, putting pinches and handfuls in instead of cups and tbsps and going entirely by instinct from there.

Soup is good, and its hard to screw up.  Maybe that's why its so fun to do up homemade.  Its warm, cozy and drives away all kinds of ailments- at least for the duration of the bowl. 

LA-to-the-VA.