LAVA and how to apply it to everything else. Or; Resolutions. Part 2.

2012 

I have only one real resolution:

The be the best Burly I ever have been.

This means taking action on a few things that have been holding me back that I've noticed this year but haven't been ready to tackle.

Be Kinder.  I started joking that I eat kind so that I don't have to act kind.  And then I started acting that way. And that's fucked up.  If the sorting hat were to put me in a house right now I'm pretty sure it would really consider Slytherin.  I'm clearly a Hufflepuff, as embarrassing as that is to admit out loud. 2011 saw me treating some people with less respect than they deserved (while I treated others with more than necessary.) and while it's fun to be cruel it's a little incongruous with the vegan friendly kind kind nice nice lifestyle I'm trying to establish.  Less shit talking, more honesty.

Organize Myself. Now I'm not saying have a clean house because, well, that'll never happen.  I am hoping to get things in my life in order so that I will feel more able to jump into a project when I don't have to weed through the clutter to get to it.  I want to plan in writing, knitting&crocheting, creativity and tapping time into my weekly schedule this year.

Become Comfortable With Myself. This one is tricky.  I like me.  I really do.  But am I comfortable with myself?  No, not really.  Especially when I start thinking about how I act with and react to other people.  This especially applies to dating, sex, relationships, what the fuck ever I end up in.  I've ricocheted from situation to situation this year in a frantic attempt to feel some self worth based on a screwed up scale that had me believing that my only use to people was my sex- whether that just meant as someone pretty to have around, a makeout buddy, someone to talk dirty to or, well, sex itself.  Why else would anyone want to be around me if they weren't angling for that anyway? 

Obviously this is a skewed view of my worth (or maybe not, but I choose to believe I have more value than just walking sex organs) but after the heavy and repeated rejection I was given all spring and summer I was left feeling that I'd never find someone who would make me feel whole.  Fate cruelly gave me someone emotionally unavailable as a soul mate, and if I couldn't convince him that I was his perfect other then I'd have to settle for the rest of my life for uninspired romance with people who would never really click into place.  I treated wonderful people terribly, gave attention to less than wonderful people and well, mix that with some pretty shitty past experiences that go way back and it makes for a terrible cocktail of guilt, worthlessness, unhappiness, desire to please without any hope for reciprocation and depression.

So this year I'm taking a break from sex. 

Not all year.  Just until I can get my head on straight and remove the negative charge from something that should be fulfilling and wonderful.  I'm setting a goal date of Hanson Day, but I'm also reserving the right to not have sex all year if I'm still not right where I want to be. 

Why is this necessary to put up in so public a forum as a blog that nobody reads?

Because a fair amount* of the men I've met in 2011 seem to think that I actually like it when they say things about how they're going to please me.  You know what would please me?  Not having been assaulted by a friend I trusted, rejected by someone I loved except during bouts of drunken loneliness where sex was the only way I could come close to feeling my love reciprocated, reduced to a vagina by men in bars who assume that that's my only function and made to feel like a whore for having low self esteem to the point of panic at the thought of not being loved.  Yeah, I think that just might be orgasmic.

It's up because it has to be said.  It's up because maybe some poor sap who actually reads my blogs (I'm sorry) might identify and might gain some strength from knowing she or he isn't alone in feeling trapped by sex. 

It's up because when some jackass doesn't get it I'll have something to direct them to.  I might even make a business card with this blog address on it. 

I might lose some friends.  You know, because without the potential of benefits what good would I be, right?  I hope that I'm not proven right on this, but I'm not ruling it out as impossible.  It's sad that I feel the need to "reserve the right not to have sex" at all.  But the rules have changed, dating closer to 30 isn't as fun as dating  seemed in my early 20's.  Everyone who is single is shouldering some burden from a past run in with love, or lack thereof.  Even amazing people have baggage that might be holding them back from commitment, trust and honesty.  I know I'm certainly scared to death of a real relationship.  And that's why I'm not having sex.

So there it is.  2012.  I'm going to emerge from the wreck of 2011 better than ever, its not even an option not to.

2011 Wrap Up- Part 1

*Not everyone I've met is like this.  Actually a lot of really amazing people have been treated like shit by me because I have   a terrible way of rewarding kindness with the cold-shoulder. You know who you are.

HOLLA AT YA LAVA, BOYYYYY! Or; an end of the year wrap up- Part 1.

2011.

My initial reaction is to do the whole "Good riddance, eff off 2011 and take all of your nasty baggage with you" blog.  And there will be a fair amount of that.  Actually, lets just get rid of that right now, first thing.  Until we clear that out we can't get to the real meat of what happened this year.

Divorce.Depression.PlummetingSelfWorth.Depression.Rejection.PlummetingSelfImage.Depression.BeingUsed.Rejection.UsingPeople.Uprooting.Depression.SelfCenteredAndEgomaniacal.BeingMean.Depression.Depression.Depression.Rejection.

never let your fear decide your fate.

If there is one thing that has become completely clear this year it is that you have to look in between the calamities, catastrophes and disasters and find the rebirth, as contrived as that sounds.

This year I became a vegan.  Taking control of my diet replaced the control that I was lacking over other parts of my life.  As an unexpected side effect I have finally been able to declare independence from my scale and I don't feel my neck immediately after eating something to see if I've grown any extra chins anymore either. I still don't love myself 100% of the time, but I'm at peace with my body the most that I have ever been.  Something about knowing I'm doing my small part to lessen the blow of the staggering level animal suffering and environmental damage that is caused by the animal production industry helps with that too, I suspect. 

I tried EFT this year, which freed me from an emotionally wrecking relationship, allowed me to think creatively again and helped to bring my skating into a new era of less fear and more risks.  Now I'm seeing clearly, I may not have definite goals but I'm learning how to dream again.  I'm not afraid of thinking beyond the next few hours.  I'm seeing the things I need to do to feel at peace with myself and my reality and making ways to put those things into action.
I'm inspired.

This year was tough, but I think I was tougher.

I LAVA that nothing I endured wasn't done so without a lesson or two learned.  Nothing was actually lost, except maybe some dignity when my mom would walk in on me crying on the floor to Taylor Swift.

2011, thanks for being a teacher.

2012 Resolutions.  Part 2.

I Lava Surprise Kindness

This Christmas I was the  recipient of an anonymous gift.

I came home the night before Christmas Eve to a wrapped package on my porch with a card addressed to me, on the inside it simply said "Merry Christmas".


And it was a new digital camera with all of the accouterments.

My camera broke in August while I was in Portland on a business trip (also known as Sock Summit).  I haven't been able to record months of my children's lives.  And every time I'd do something wacky and talk about it on Facebook I'd get that horrible response for the camera-less; "Pics or it didn't happen."  In short, it's been a difficult last third of the year.

 I have no clue who my mystery gifter is, but I'm hoping that they'll see this and know that I appreciate it more than I can even express.  It's way more than a camera.  It's a reminder to be thankful for the people in my life- all of them because it could be anyone.

Oh yeah, it's also an impetus to pay it forward whenever I can.  

Thanks for these, anonymous friend.

Mollie's first dollhouse.

My new niece, Amy.  She has my sister's eyes.

Proud Papa Chris, my brother in law.

Cary's a very serious kid, as you can tell.

Very serious.

Mollie's such a beauty, even with mustard on her cheek. She dips everything in mustard- noodles, goldfish, bread, her fingers...

I Lava Falling in Lava Again

Fuck your romance, (my romance.)

Fuck your kisses (i share because i want someone to give a shit)

And your plans for the future? (self sabotaging) I say, fuck em.



Arrested development is the theme of December.
I'm wearing sweaters made for fat 11 year olds
and a light up Justin Bieber watch.


Listening to Riot Grrl
Feministing it up like I did when I was 19,20,21, 22...
Remember when I grew pennyroyal?
That shirt that said "I ♥ MY VAGINA"
Oh hold on, I need to put that in my Livejournal.


Reading
reading
reading
readingreadingreading
I forgot how good
Australopithecus Robustus
(or homo erectus, heeheeeeee)
always made me feel, remember?
Remember how I never had a brain for numbers or figures
But I
 fell in love
with
  dating flakes?


      The nights awake
      snapping at my barging-in mother
      and the feeling of pieces falling into place as my fingers tapped the keyboard furiously, not worrying if i    hit the right letters, just hoping it would be correct enough for me to go through in revision and have the bulk   of what i wanted breathed out after inhaling gigantic gasps all day long.
The themes were simple but the release was true and I'd grin through my braces and headgear and finally fall asleep.





I can almost pinpoint when I stopped.
It wasn't your fault
or yours
or yours
or any of yours.
I shifted priorities
and forgot how things felt and filled my feelings with new things.

But it's back to sleater kinney and CUNT and bad poetry (like this) and plastic bags of failed bifaces and scrapers dated in sharpie so it'll never be mistaken for a very poorly made artifact and mary magdalene and brian wilson and I might just go drink some newcastle like its the first thing I ever fell in love with and I might paint a vagina on my wall and call it freedom and I just might call myself a virgin, even if it's only for december.

You had so much potential.  
  tonight
      you
        still
          do.

I Lava a Good Ol Detox

A few weeks ago Greg, a super stud with a super podcast, asked me if I would be interested in going sugar-free with him.

I felt like I'd just been asked to prom. Like, seriously.  You know I love a good challenge.  And I really love doing something healthy.  It's always awesome to do these things with someone else- I didn't jump off the vegan cliff alone after all, I had Aurora jumping with me.  And really, who needs sugar, right?

Our official start date was last Friday- we had burritos and beer for breakfast and set to making a list of things we were going to be changing in our eating habits.  In addition to white sugar, we decided to rule out HFCS, super processed and nutritionally fucked up things like white flour, white rice, aspartame, plus all of those dirty-trickster things in health foods like "evaporated cane juice" and "organic sugar".  I bought him a bottle of agave nectar as a kick off gift.

I've started this unknowingly while PMSsing, and I survived.  I found a few (expensive) chocolate bar alternatives and have been rationing them out (meaning it lasted the WHOLE car ride home, thank you very much) and managed to make it through without any mint chip soy cream!  Honestly that was my biggest worry when he brought up the whole sugar free thing.

White flour has been really tough- Greg and I have a short but rather compulsive history with burritos, eating them one meal after another- any meal not wrapped in a tortilla is a #burritofail, after all.  So having to take the flour tortillas out of the equation has been a challenge.  Buying bread has been a challenge.  All of the whole wheat breads seems to have sugar except Daily Bread at Trader Joe's.

We're a week into it and it feels pretty good.  It was really daunting at first, we wandered around Trader Joe's for ever trying to figure out what to make, got in line and realized we hadn't picked out anything for dinner that night.  And then we got back to his place and realized we couldn't cook anyway because his gas stove wasn't working.  So we ordered a vegan pizza, NOMNOMNOMmed the heck out of it and pushed the kick off to Saturday.

But that's okay.  My favorite part of adapting to a new way of doing things is the learning curve.  I almost cried when I saw that Tofutti Cream Cheese has sugar in it.  I'm pretty sure Greg is still crying at this moment from learning that Sriracha is sugared up.  I like going from messing up on accident here and there- or even not on accident, to suddenly knowing intrinsically what's okay to eat.  I really love that moment when you realize that you're better off and not even craving whatever it is.  I had that moment with Cheese in April after opening day of baseball and going off the wagon and cheese ODing.  After all of those wonton poppers and cheese sticks and the tummy ache that ensued I haven't backslid since.

I'm excited about this, I'm pretty sure that sugar free is going to be a decision that's gonna stick.  White flour still seems like a challenge instead of a change, but maybe in time that too will come. 

I just really LAVA feeding my body the things it needs.

I Lava EFT

EFT, or Emotional Freedom Techniques, is a game changer for me.  EFT is a way of alleviating problems via knocking out the emotional impact that we have associated with painful, traumatic or stunting experiences.
It has helped people experience relief from phobias, depression, PTSD and even physical conditions.  It can be used as a tool to help with therapy or as a way of clearing out emotional baggage that is preventing you from being your best and functioning at 100%.

I turned to EFT because, well... this blog has an archive.  Just read through March 2011 and I'm pretty sure you'll be able to see that 2011 hasn't been the easiest year.  I've been emotionally dicked around by someone who I gave far too much of myself to with very little reciprocation.  EFT seemed a little too crystals and nag champa and wearing crinkly flowy skirts to coven meetings for me. (Not that there's anything wrong with those things, just because I'm an asshole doesn't mean that people don't find a ton of fulfillment and meaning at The Brass Unicorn.  I'm probably jealous.)

EFT also seemed easy, cheaper than a shrink and healthier than a drink.

So I watched a buncha YouTube videos on it, downloaded some free material, bought The EFT Manual for my Kindle and taped up the diagram of tapping points on my mirror, along with the "Even though________________, I accept and forgive myself." phrase and started in.

My first session I went for a long time.  I didn't really realize that you only really need to tap for a few minutes on whatever you're working on.  Yeah, this shit works wonders in MINUTES.  I tapped furiously, I focused on the hurt, the anger, the bewilderment, shame, sadness, isolation, confusion and everything else that came along with my relationship with this person, picturing the incidents that affected me the worst- the time I hit my head on the kitchen sink, the failed attempts for validation of my feelings, the drunken I Love You's and sober I don't and I can't and I won'ts.  All of the goddamned Ryan Adams.

I was actually physically ill afterward, and kinda bruised.

Don't do that.  Well, physically ill is okay- you're tapping on acupressure points, one of which is connected to the tummy so obviously along with expelling a bunch of shit from your emo-stream-o, you'll be likely to feel a bit off.  But you don't have to tap til it hurts.   Just tap.

The results were immediate.  What had been a nagging heartache that I'd been carrying with me was gone.  I felt light.  I could drive by his neighborhood on my way to the grocery store and not feel the urge to turn down his street.  I could listen to Pavement and watch my favorite TV shows that I happened to watch with him without feeling sick or angry.

I haven't had one angry rant about him in almost a month.  Before I'd complain to anything that would listen, alive or inanimate.

In the meanwhile my self esteem has been repairing.  People are noticing I have a spring in my step- my ex husband/father of my children/best friend even noticed it in my voice.  I probably look pretty pleased with myself all the time.

So this is what it felt like to be a true-blue optimist before I invited in the pessimist.  I'd almost forgotten in one year of bullshit the happy way I'd felt my entire life leading up to it.

I've been tapping on other issues as well and noticing major results in all kinds of fun ways- skating with more confidence and aggression, less complaining, more smiling, feeling really contented, and really truly believing that I won't ever get into a manipulative, one sided and completely unhealthy relationship ever again.

I knew it was working when I saw my reflection in a mirror and without thinking about it I blurted out "I am way too good for _______."

So I'm blogging this, and getting fairly personal about it, in order to maybe help you find some peace of mind.  EFT works because it tackles the things medicine can't touch- the emotional cause of problems.  It's not like it erases it- I still think of he-who-shall-not-be-named here and there but it's completely absent of the emotional charge that it was rife with before.  Robbed of that heavy emotional burden the memories are just echoes of a past hurt that can't touch me anymore.

I'm still not sure that I'd be successful in a relationship yet, but I'm confident that I'm headed down the right path and when things are triggered I now have the tools to fight them off for good. I definitely know I'm on the mend.

I made a video. It's a little long and I apologize but I talk a bit more about EFT, give a few other examples of how it's helping and do a demo that's probably not very helpful.  I also am listing links to resources so you can get started if you'd like to try it.  I'd be glad to answer any questions or help out if needed!

I really LAVA this easy-peasy way of becoming the best I have ever been.

http://galadarling.com/article/eft
http://www.emofree.com/
http://www.amazon.com/EFT-Manual-Emotional-Freedom-Techniques/dp/1604150300
http://www.amazon.com/EFT-Sports-Performance-Gary-Craig/dp/1604150521/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321350619&sr=1-7

I Lava Dark Closets

Remember my Lavender obsession this summer?

Well, somehow I had forgotten about it, until I opened the closet that has my water heater in it and I noticed that I'd hung some lavender upside down to dry from the ceiling and in the very back on a shelf I'd put a bottle where I was making Lavender oil. 

It may be a bit chilly outside but I totally have the summer tonight!

I Lava Pajamajeans

 

 Everyone knows how much I love yoga pants, I'd be a total idiot not to love them.  

I posed the question "Would you still be my friend if I had an entire wardrobe of Pajamajeans?" to a few friends and the results were pretty evenly split between "Absolutely!" and "Absolutely not!"  

That, to me, was a challenge.

I bought my first pair after much deliberation- you know,  picking up the box and putting it back down every time I went to CVS.  Pajamajeans are a commitment to the American Way, and I had to be certain I was ready to make that bold statement.  Well, that and I needed $39.99 to feel justified.  

Finally I found the perfect excuse.  Not only is it getting colder outside, but I've gotten fatter since the last time it was pants time.  

I was sick (to hear me bitch about it I was likely on my deathbed.)  and not in the mood to look cute enough for a skirt and leggings, my yoga pants were dirty and I had some soup and grilled "cheese" that needed making.  So I stopped at CVS and bought some.  

Now, I thought I was being a little optimistic about my hips when I grabbed a medium, but I just barely squeezed in.  They run pretty true to the waist size on the box, so if you're a medium/large cusp person you'll probably wanna go a size up.  

They feel like yoga pants, but with the perk of turning your arms and legs blue if you wear before washing.  That was fun to shave off in the shower the next day.

I am sold. I wore them, fell into bed with them, got up and immediately got burritos for breakfast in them and cruised on with my day.  See, this takes the hassle out of changing clothes.  Ever.

My only complaint is that I didn't buy them sooner, I LAVA the pajamas you live in, the jeans you sleep in.

How to Lava Lava Lava Life.

 

Aside from a few misspelled words (Recepticle? PUH-lease Starbucks-scribbling-girlfriend, let's try and get that one straight!)I think I have been able to get to the meat of the matter, which is a code I can live by and that I have to live up to. 

And I think I was mostly serious, except the whole "yes your majesty" business.  People already say that pretty regularly.

How are you able to keep on track with being the person you think you should be?

I Lava the Beach Boys

I know that I make it seem like Hanson is my number one favorite band ever.  The tattoo would certainly lead one to that conclusion, but like everyone else on Earth I spent my childhood listening to the music my parents liked.  That music happened to be The Beach Boys.

I didn't actually know there was any other music out there until I was in 7th grade or so.  Hear me out o this.  Certainly I'd heard of NKOTB and all of that good stuff, but I just assumed anything that wasn't on the records my dad had was just a Beach Boys side project spin off that was a miserable departure from their usual sound.  Rap?  Must be some wacky Brian Wilson experiement.  Opera?  Heck, Carl can get his voice kinda high. 

The Beach Boys were my kings.

I also thought Mike Love was a Care Bear, but that's a whole other path of neurotic thinking that we probably don't need to go down.

I had dance routines worked out to Shut Down and Be True to Your School.  In college I wore a button with Brian Wilson's face on it everywhere I went.  I've slugged through disappointing fair performances by the different warring factions of the Beach Boys as they toured around with whatever dregs of spirit they've had left.  (Mike Love gasped mid-set at the Pomona fair concert I went to that if he'd known in the sixties they'd still be touring in 2002 they would have written a lot fewer fast sings.) The love still remains.

Some times all I need to get my head on straight is to pull out my favorite songs and sing them loudly.  I've already blogged about this with the Beach Boys and how they're kind of my glue. 

So I leave you all with these songs, a few of my favorites.

I Lava Fresh Starts

So, it's not actually new.  Just a change in status, that's it.

As of yesterday I'm officially divorced.

That's right, twice before thirty.

It's a bit ridiculous, I'm a little embarrassed by it, but I kinda also love that everyone in my family makes "So, do you think you'll finally be happy with husband number seven?" jokes- I'm the Elizabeth Taylor of our Sunday barbeques at Grandma's, what can I say?

I used to bounce back really quickly- one relationship done and another starting without as much as a hiccup (or a moaning of the wrong name) to indicate that the transition was less than seamless.  I've been trying to bounce back into things but discovering that I'm not the same as I was at 22, 23, 24... I get scared, I flip out, I hold onto grudges and I get hurt easily.  Where did that come from?

I have this terrifying one-that-got-away complex that fights with an equally harrowing need to find out if there is just someone better suited for me.  So I get hot and heavy and then cold and distant.

Oh, and commitment is the only thing I want until it isn't and I suddenly can't breathe under the weight of it.

Basically, I am fucked up.

I'm okay with that.  Because I've been a relationship junkie I've never played the single card.  This year I have and I've totally gotten a full single girl experience, right down to the nitty gritty of feeling like shit for not feeling the same way.

But I've never really been alone.  Even in my single state I've still managed to find company so that I don't have to be alone with myself.  I'm tired of it.  I'm pretty sure that as counter-intuitive as it may feel I need some solid time without dating, making out, flirting or anything else.  My confidence is coming back, how amazing would it be if I could just appreciate that without the insecurity of wondering if someone else appreciates me?

So I'm taking a few months.  You all laugh- don't try to act like you aren't- Mom, I can hear you all the way across town cackling at this notion.  But seriously, it is time.  And really, I totally love spending time with my friends more than anything on earth anyway.  Why distract myself from playing Cornhole on the Swiggs patio ever?

“My primary relationship is with myself - all others are mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation that I desire from others. If I am committed to myself and to living my truth, I will attract others with equal commitment.”

Shakti Gawain, Reflections in the Light

I Lava My Twinsie, Chiva Loca

I freakin LAVA my twin sister.  Without going all sappy mushy on her I just have to say that I'm pretty lucky to have met such a fantastic person, I mean she really puts up with a lot of crap from me.  

We have insane adventures on a daily basis, and they usually consist of her being super smart and me having to kill something.  I hope everyone has a good friend like Chiva around. If you don't, find new friends- everyone should laugh as much as we do!

Seriously, this lady even gets on the ground when she thinks something is funny just to be certain that her ROFL is legit.  Need I say more?

I Lava Fake Bands.

In 2006 Aurora and I decided that life is pain and we started an emo band. 

Mind you, neither of us did any actual band-things to make this happen, like you know, write music or perform it or even really talk about it.  But we had a Livejournal for our band and that's all we needed.  

Enjoy.

Band Bio:  The Brandy Situation

we're a girl emo group from fresnoxcalifornia.

we believe the definition of emo has gotten
wildly out of control.

Emo is swoopy, but must also be mopey
Emo is broken hearts on wrists
Emo is tragic, but with an orange county flair
"Mom took my H2, and I can't get to the
straight edge show where I would spend the
whole time adjusting my hair and contemplating
all of the people who will never love me."
Emo is...
water bottles
cats with patches of random color on them
the sun when half a cottonball cloud covers it
my dad when he's jogging
and
buttons!

We're here to reclaim emo. In an asshole sort of way.

Don't make us slit our wrists.

Tour Photo

Lyrics: 


These are for drinking brandy to.

A Song for Doug
(Armijo 2006) a red beard and a backwards baseball cap my soul says you dont know emo but my body says you need to know me can you weather the storm of my emotions? can you show me the ways of the meathead? meat. head. meet. my motherfuckin  head.

*** 

SweetEnlow This morning I woke up and put my blue sweater on I grabbed my ipod and crashed my car The heart on my wrist is cracked in half but when i find the one i'll fill it in. Can you fill my heart Can you fill my heart Can you fill my heart? Tonight tonight tonight Music is crashing I buy a 151 and coke Because it helps me to dance The heart on my wrist is cracked in half but when i find the one i'll fill it in. Can you fill my heart Can you fill my heart Can you fill my heart?           (schoelen/2006)

***
Morning After
(armijo/schoelen 2006)

I stayed up all night
With intricate plans for us
How could you let me die inside?
How could youlet me die?
How could you leave me to fall apart?
I may never know
I couldn't move when the alarm clock rang
The sound was needles in my veins
how could you let me die inside
how could you let me die
how could you leave me to fall apart
Please let me know.
*bridge*
I'm stuck here on my windowsill
Throwing straightedge to the wind
How could this be happening
It's happening again

how could you let me die inside
how could you let me die
how could you leave me to fall apart
I don't want to know

***
Titles are overrated
(armijo 2006)

my soul, it aches.
like a beatle bug turned over,
no way to turn my incandescent shell.
the ache, the burn.
great love of blackest night
all I know is your sleepy caress
so easily twisting from my heart
and moving to the world.

***
A Night at Livingstones
(armijo/schoelen 2006)

Bleak
My friday spilled out like a rainy day in
seattle
He didn't leave me his key
he didn't leave me his key
something red.
red and mysterious, like my soul
Is not meant to be trampled on
He didn't leave me his key
He didn't leave me his key
I fought through the lines
And Collapsed at the entrance
He didn't leave me his key
So what's left for me?

***

Ode to Scott Strapp

We found ourselves
drinking cheap vodka from a plastic bottle
depression or date rape
its all the same with him
scott, I said, strapp me.
strapp my soul, scott.

Schoelen/Armijo 2006


***

Emo Eyes

I knew you were different,
Short of complex
Your brows always arch
In surprised reflex.
There was no depth
So i pumped you with lies
Because I wish that you had
Emo Eyes

Schoelen/Armijo 2006

***

Anne Shirley Eat Yr Heart Out

(Armijo/Schoelen 2006) Don't be afraid to love me Love me like you're gonna lose me Dont be afraid to shoot me you've already murdered my heart If I move too fast Its only because I'm afraid to let this go (oh no) (oh no's lead into xylephone solo, the next two lines are repeated whispering) let my soul be bludgeoned by your cryptic superficial letterings on the bathroom mirror is where they appear Don't let this slip away Don't let it fall apart Don't be afraid to love me Love me like you're gonna lose me (just slow down the tempo and the noise until it peters out...)

I Lava Crafts

Duh.

So I just started a second blog for my craftyventures.

Burlymade.

Check it, yo.

I Lava This.

Whatever this is.

the
insecurity- but in a good way
and
sternocleidomastoid (oh how these things are memorable!)
and
trying to focus: ch 1, sc into first 3 sts (2 sc in next stitch, 4 sc) 12 times
but having to scale down to: ch 1 sc across, turn 
because focus is impossible this close
and
grinning til it hurts
then
sitting down and trying to be concise and maybe even sound poetic but realizing i have no clue how to be concise, and omg how much easier would it have been to just say "i lava this whole liking someone so much that i'd consider learning math to impress him thing" and been done with it instead of channeling my 14 year-old-hiding-in- her-closet-and-pining-and-writing self which will probably just seem a little over the top and well... ridiculous.

But I think that is exactly why I LAVA the heck outta this.

Whatever this is.

I Lava Scanning Yarn

My camera broke.  Yeah.

No pictures of my kids, no pictures of myself but even worse... no pictures of my yarn haul I brought home from Sock Summit and TNNA!

TRAGEDY!

Of course, I'm a lady who thrives in the face of adversity so this was just another challenge. Ho-hum.

The stitch really hit the fan when I finished a scarf and didn't have any way of bragging about my stitchwitchery to everyone on facebook.

I turned to my scanner.

Pink Lemonade scarf in Anzula Squishy and Haiku

 The color!  The stitch definition! It's all there!  You can even see the twist of the yarn, which blew my mind!

Naturally I went on a scanning rampage.  Here are a few of my favorites from my Ravelry stash.

Ms. Gusset Sock

Little Red Bicycle Spark Lace in Cthulhu

Little Red Bicycle Penny Farthing Sock in Xanadu

Habu Textiles 20/1 Copper/Bamboo That's right. I said copper, like what your meth-head neighbor steals from streetlights.  Badass yarn.

Skeindalous Superwash Sock Yarn in Pibgorn

 Obsessed much?

I Lava AWOLNATION

Furthermore, I think that Aaron Bruno would love me.

This is straight off of the AWOLNATION instagram.  I'm using it as further evidence that we'd be perfect together.  I don't know how he doesn't know about me and search me out. No Grumpy Pants! Smile as often as possible! This should be a grand romance! Aaron Bruno, can't you hear my spirit calling?

Fangirling out aside, I listen to Megalithic Symphony all the time.  Like, nightly as I fall asleep and when I need to be in a better mood during the mid-afternoon slump, and when I work out. (Which I'll need to do more and more of now- First bout with Atomic Assault is in September!)  I find something new to love every time I listen.  It's so upbeat and easy to dance to.  I wish I was a better dancer so I could choreograph dances to Wake Up (which would be a killer moderny-ballet-y song!  You know what I'm talking about with all of my non-technical terms! Pointed toes and writhing!) and MF (A burlesque dance with too much attitude and the kinda hairflips that would put so much strain on my neck that my chiropractor would be in business for centuries.  Motherfucker are you listening to me?)

 

Basically, that's it.  

I just can't contain it any longer.  So I'm proposing.

Aaron Bruno, you should totally marry me.  After October 2nd.  Because I can't marry you before that without some legal issues.  Unless you're into polyandry.  Which could be fun.  

Anyway, I called it that I'd be in LAVA with you before I even saw your face.  Sail was enough for me.  

Just sayin'.  

I Lava Skating!

New! New! New!

That has been the theme of 2011 and some of the things have hurt but the growth from those things has been amazing and I feel as though I, while still very raw in some spots, have been coming into my own yet again.  Metamorphosis and all of that mumbo jumbo.

Anyway, I hope you get the feeling that I'm leading up to something big.  Because I kind of am.

I've spent the last 3 months deliberating over a choice to change roller derby teams.  This isn't just like changing underwear or even switching from Pepsi to Coke. Making the choice to join a new team in a different league has the potentially devastating consequences of hurting those closest to you, and of course, there's that nagging fear of failure whenever you jump into any new situation.  I hadn't skated much (okay, just once) in the last 8 months with NOtown Roller Derby because things were just so turbulent everywhere else- remember, 2011 brought divorce, moving out, moving back in, a job switch, going from redhead to blonde (okay, not so monumental...) and all kinds of other mopey bullshitbullshitbullshit.  I couldn't really fit in skating as much as I missed it.

In the meanwhile in my new job I've been working alongside a fabulous lady who (aside from being way tanner and smarter than I am, could be my twinsie) just happens to skate on a different team.  Thus the idea was born and I've been gnawing on the gristle of it ever since.

This morning I tried out for CCAD's Atomic Assault and made the team.  I am so excited to be skating alongside these fabulous women who I am eager to get to know! Change is good, it feels cathartic and more than anything I'm just glad to be 100% excited to skate derby again. 

So to my old NOtown comrades- I have a permanent place in my heart for you.  You're strong and beautiful and I wish you all the most amazing bouts, booty blocks and bruises!

And to my new Atomic Assault teammates and everyone in CCAD- Thank you for giving me this opportunity!  I am going to have so much fun with you, let's kick ass!

I LAVA Shirataki Noodles!

Image swiped from http://www.shiratakinoodles.net

Okay, so WHAT THE HECK... 

TOFU.

NOODLES?!  

Right?

I am so all over this.  They're really squishy and are kind like eating worms might be.

ANYWAY.  

I'm still foodgasming over them and can't even form complete sentences.  I picked mine up at Central Fish in Downtown Fresno.  And smothered them in coconut-cream curry with sweet potato and squash and freakin' MAGIC.  Little did I know the magic was superfluous, shirataki noodles come with their own squishy low-carb magic madness. 

Can I get a Tofuck yeah?!

I LAVA Cho!

Before you start reading this post, please press play.  Lava like this cannot be expressed without the Biebs playing in the background.  

 

This week Wisconsin is going to finally lose it's virginity and California will be heartbroken when the most amazing woman I've ever met in my entire gosh-danged life moves away.

Cho is one of those friends I watched from afar before I finally got the chance to make her my very own.  She is just so damn cool.  I don't know how else to describe it.  If you were to analyze what she's made of in a lab you'd find that she's pure sex-magic and vodka.  And Bieber.

She's been my dance partner, the rational side of my brain, reigning cornhole champion and so much more.  And now Wisconsin gets her.  I hope Wisconsin appreciates all of these things.

I am going to miss you fiercely, lady of the dance floor, mistress of the mic.  I can't wait to visit you in Wisconsin and writhe on a barroom floor there with you.  <3

LAVA LAVA LAVAPANTSOFF.

WTFAMC

(Wisconsin Totally Fucking Ate My Chojze)

I LAVA my job- and you can too!

Anzula, the FANTASTIC company I work for is hiring a part time assistant!  

If you wanna freakin rock it out at an amazing yarn company and walk with me to the Fulton mall for burritos on our lunch breaks then, uh yeah, get that stinkin' resume sent off.  

Here are all of the deets.

I LAVA checking in: Hey little vegan, how's the eatin?

It's been 3 months, give or take a few 144 hours since I dove in and went vegan with my diet.

It's been a big deal, game changer sort of decision.

My first week freaked me out.  Even though I'd been eating Pesca/Lacto/Ova/Vegetarian for a year already it was scary imagining a life of reeeeaaaaaaly reading labels, being obnoxious at restaurants and standing on my cruelty-free soapbox to tell eaters of flesh the error of their ways.  I lived on Malt-O-Meal for a few days because I knew that at least was safe.

I was still unsure of whether I wanted to be full time vegan or if I wanted to just do a day a week, I was really really into chile relleno burritos at the time and it just seemed an insurmountable challenge. 

I started my first vegan day and after that I decided to see if I could o two in a row.  And then three.  After about 6 days I flubbed up and went on a deep fried cheese bender during the Opening Day game for the Giants.  And I felt like barfing.

See, being vegan just feels good.  Like really fucking good.  When I have a little cheese on something my tummy does flip flops, and not in that fun "in love" way.  Think more in that "Oh my god this is gonna be public and embarrassing and stinky" sort of way.

My body and I are really synced up, the food I put in processes well (and I'll leave it at that) and when I slip up (which happens a few times a week, I'm not perfect) I really notice it.  

I'm finding that I don't even miss cheese at all anymore.  I don't like the way I feel after I eat it- and what's ridiculous is how long I just put up with that feeling because I assumed it was just how eating was supposed to be.  Admittedly it got waaaaay easier to live cheese free once I tried Daiya.  I had a mouthgasm when I first tried a grilled cheese sandwich made with the stuff.  My "friend" was with me as I was eating it for the first time and I am pretty sure he was a little jealous of the sandwich as I moaned in ecstasy over the melty vegan goodness.

So what, if not cheese, do I miss now that I'm vegan?

I miss easy ordering at restaurants- some places are awesome and have tons of vegan options, others are just pure hell.  

I miss not being judged every meal- even if I don't bring it up, when I'm in a group of people as I'm ordering someone always calls attention to my order in one way or another and I'm asked a bazillion questions that usually all boil down to "How do you live without Bacon?!"

Amazingly well.

 The questioning thing has been the real challenge though.  Having to define my diet for other people.  People always want to know why I do it- and it's no one reason.  I love animals, but I'm not some uber sensitive wimp who can't deal with death.  I just don't like unnecessary suffering.  And I'm totally creeped out by eating anything that thinks and poops.  That's no different from my vegetarian days except people just ignored it and asked zero questions back then.*

I love the health benefits of going animal-free.  My skin is fantastic.  

I think I look better without makeup now than I ever have.  My stomach is calmer than it has been since I started procreating.  It's dumb but I actually feel like I'm less stressed out because I'm not eating some product of a stressed milk cow.  And I have had noticeably fewer days of self loathing directed at my body- which is badass since I haven't had to count any calories or hold back since I started this.  Face facts- when eating vegan there really aren't a ton of splurge items that I can OD on without effort. 

Another aspect of defining my veganism has been to which degree I am taking it.  I don't *always* count honey because truth be told, I fucking love that shit, but I did cut way back and now only have it in things once every few weeks.

I will no longer be purchasing anything made with leather, I never buy fur, but... and this is the big but- I will not stop using animal fiber yarn.

Day old cria!  <3

I love yarn.  I work for a yarn company.  Am I gonna stop lovin' up on cashmere?  Hell no.  

I just visited the alpaca-pals that the company I work for gets our 100% alpaca lines from.  They were so cared for and loved- she totally even knew every one of them by name. 

It's not the most vegan thing to do, but dang it, as long as I'm conscientious about the mills the yarn comes from I'll let this one slide.

And if that bugs some other vegans, whatevs.

Because ultimately, even though the animals and the environment benefit from my choice not to eat animals or their products, this is an act of loving myself and doing something that makes me feel good.

Isn't it nice to know that the LAVA we put into ourselves goes out into the world has a way of coming round full circle like that?

* I totally don't mind answering real questions. It's just the "How do you not eat ribs?!" stuff that kills me.  I'm always down to share my tips and favorite things with anyone who might want to try a vegan diet.

A LAVA letter.

Dear Oliver/Oliwa,

Tonight I saw your show.  I've loved He's My Brother She's My Sister for a whopping 3 weeks- well, maybe a little longer.  But I only was able to make iTunes my bitch and get your album on payday of this month, so my true love began then.

 Quite frankly, I think you're magnificent.  A glittering ray of OMG LAVA.

I know, I know.  I totally uncomfortably talked to you while you were showing spring rolls the inside of your mouth and that's not nice of me, but dang. You gotta understand, I'm a lady raised on fangirling out to Hanson on TRL.  Playing it cool is not part of my skillz set. 

You probably have a girlfriend or boyfriend or are sworn to celibacy or something totally rock-blocking me from you, but in case you aren't just know I think you're the bee's knees.

If you would like more information I can send you my resume of fabulousness or perhaps create a powerpoint presentation for you about why I am just such a great girl to know.  Complete with clip art!!!

In the meanwhile, thanks for being colorful and wonderful and having the best smile I've ever seen.  And you know, that whole talented musician in a fun band thing. 

Guerrilla lovefare,

Burly

PS why the heck aren't you Oliver me already?  Yeesh!

Photographs courtesy of my boyfriend Yvonne.

 (And if you aren't a man with glitter-eyed glory but just reading this blog because that's what you do... do yourself a favor, treat yourself to HMBSMS.  They even have a free track for you to try before you commit.  You know how I feel about commitment.)

I Lava Revolutions

Tomorrow is June 1st, marking the middle of the year.  For the last few years I've used this as a time to re-evaluate how I'm doing and where I stand.  You know, the whole "What am I doing to reach my goals- omigod, can I even identify my goals?" kind of thing. 

If at the new year we make resolutions, I try make these mid year check-ins revolutions- something I unwittingly wrote one new years eve in junior high in my diary.  

From where I'm sitting right now things look pretty incredible. I have dealt with depression for the last several months but as I'm searching for the reason I'm having a hard time articulating it.  I'm just so happy these days that all of the shit that I've put up with is not even computing.  Thank God.  Bury that crap.

In January I listed a bunch of frivolity that was making me happy and I was using that as a good jumping off point for what I had hoped would lead to happiness.  But really, all the fancy makeup in the world can't cover up the real problems.  Since January I've ended my marriage, had an intense and impossible roommate, made new and beautiful friends and learned the importance of the old standby BFF's who put up with everything and still dole out the love.  I've moved back into the house I love, started working at a job that is everything I've ever wanted from a workplace and started learning to separate the people from my life who are polluting the rest of the things around me.  I've taken control of my diet and am eating things that make me feel good, and not in just an in-the-moment-in-mah-mouf sort of way.  The way i'm eating is giving me a clear conscience.  Going vegan is atoning for my sins in a way.  

I'm still a big slob and a mess but I'm doing better about it, I'm taking more time to read with my kids and play dress up.  

I am feeling so creative and so full of love for everything and everyone around me that I can't help but believe that the second half of this year is going to more than make up for the pain and sadness of the first half. 

I have a few projects that combine my love for Fresno and my hobby of crochet dancing around in my brain- hopefully I can get those going this summer.  I'm ready to start skating again.  

I've been trying to include meditation in my day to find my center.

Things are good and they're only getting better.  

Viva Lava Revolution!